Fighting For A Life Worth Living

I am a 55 year old man and have made significant progress in my recovery since 2002. I came from a very dysfunctional family. My father was a violent alcoholic so I spent most of my childhood in fear of him. My mother tried to protect me at times, but she worked and was never home nights or weekends. I had an older sister, but we also fought growing up. As a child I was very moody, and never felt like I fit in. I feel that I had depression as a child but was never diagnosed.

I did not like school at any time, never received support and hardly ever did my homework assignments on time. Somehow, I graduated high school in 1972, and bounced around menial jobs until 1975. That year, the stresses in my life really increased. I met my wife, and started a career in the construction field, which meant that I had to go to college 8 hours on every Saturday for 4 years. I got married in March of 1975, with a child soon to follow, and was not prepared for fatherhood. I was able to finish a 4-year apprenticeship through the Carpenter's Union, and became a Journeyman in 1979. This was my career path for the next 20 years.

We lived a somewhat happy existence, but the depression was worsening, and I found myself becoming more despondent over my personal life. Alcohol seemed to work for a while, but as my drinking worsened I began to have more frequent and severe black-outs that started to turn violent, something familiar from my childhood. My heavy drinking went on from my late teens to my mid 30s.

Some time around 1980 I found "Methamphetamine", Crystal Meth, (The Wonder Drug). The depression would temporarily disappear while on Meth and it seemed like life was grand for a while, but things started to unraveling at home. I spent more time with my "using" friends, and started to neglect my family duties. I was no longer employable because I became so unreliable. I only went to the job site if I had the "drug" to keep me going. I also started carrying a gun everywhere I went to protect me from unknown dangers, and was arrested two times for carrying a concealed weapon. After years of use, I began having "blackouts" from Crystal Meth started to reappear, but this time "rage" was the issue. When coming down from the drug I would fly into fits of extreme "Blind Rage", hurt my loved ones, and would sometimes destroy things while in a blackout. With rage came the depression, guilt and shame.

Finally in March 2002, my family had enough of the abuse and decided to move from our home. With the help of my in-laws, they started moving in the early hours on a Sunday morning until I came out of a blackout. I immediately flew into a "Blind Rage", and started to destroy all their belongings. I also threatened to kill them and myself, so law enforcement got involved. This was a turning point in my life. After I was hand cuffed and placed in the back of the police car, the arresting officer turned to me and gave me a choice, jail or hospital. He also made the statement that if I went to the hospital they could address my substance abuse issues, something that I was not even aware I had. I chose the hospital because I knew the food would be better, and ended up at a Psychiatric Ward (5051) in Watts, CA. After three days, I was released and came home to an empty house, which contained nothing but my clothes, half of a peanut butter sandwich, and all the guilt and shame a person could live with. They even took the family dog. After the insistence of a family friend, I started to attend AA groups for the abuse issue.

Since I had no idea where my family had gone, I slipped into a bout of severe depression, and decided to sleep for a month. My daughter came by one day and noticed that the mailbox was full, and the house was all closed up. I was awake that one day when she came in, and she handed me a hand written letter she wrote urging me to get help for my condition. She even offered to take me to the clinic I was to receive help from. She took me to Los Angeles County Mental Health Clinic which was not too far from my home to speak with someone about the help I so badly needed. I met with a caseworker, then a psychiatrist who asked me about my disorders. He also asked me if I was willing to take medications to assist with the depression. I agreed to take the medications, but did not realize that it took a while for the medications to be beneficial. I stopped taking the medications so my condition began to deteriorate. After six months of treatment, I finally told the doctor that I stopped taking the medications, and he explained that the medication was only a small piece of the treatment. He asked a "therapist" to speak with me and that's when things started to fall in place.

The therapist was able to show me the three building blocks that would make a huge difference in my life. They were "Medications", "Therapy" (group and individual), and "Spirituality". With these three things in place, I was able to accept that fact I have mental illness coupled with the substance dependence (Co-Occurring Disorder). I have repaired my relationship with my wife and two grown children. I am currently living with my wife and children.

After three years in treatment, another client and I decided to approach the Clinic Director to see if she would allow us to have a 12-Step Group one day a week at the clinic. After meeting with her, we were allowed to have our meetings on Tuesdays. One year after the start of the 12-Step Group, I was introduced to a Department Manager that made me an offer I could not refuse. He asked me if I was interested in helping others with the same COD Issues that I have been recovering from. LA County was offering a 15-week training course for Peer Advocates to assist clinicians with the treatment of persons with Co-Occurring Disorder.

I decided to attend their program and graduated in 2006. After volunteering for one year after graduation, I was offered employment at the County Facility. I was then approached by the Therapist and the Department Manager to see if I would be willing to co-facilitate a new program to be piloted at out facility. That's when the COD program was born. I have also been able to attend many trainings offered through other organizations, and have received numerous certificates dealing with Co-Occurring Disorders. The biggest step in my eductaion was being asked to attend the UCLA COD Extension Program offered to Clinicians. I graduated from that program in 2008, and have since been promoted to a Community Worker. In recovery, I have also been able to speak to others about the "Guilt, Shame, and Stigma associated with mental illness and substance abuse. I have learned not to take myself so seriously, and without others recovery is not possible. Remember: "LAUGHTER IS THE THREAD THAT MENDS TORN SOULS"

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